Far I have come, away from home Farther I wish to go Lonesomeness has started teaching me Facets of independence and freedom. I am left with a moulding vessel, At the learning center here Like thousand others I started off To shape to mould to nestle. I love this clean air and slient night I love to spend time with me I have come to value myself And change definitions of the right. This is a whole new stage A ring to fight with my old self A quest to acquire the treasure chest A key for breaking open the cage. I am old enough to not get a loan So I pull myself up by my bootstraps Its a challenge I have given myself I now face this new zone.

Who am I?

More of me than anything else.

I am very observant and impressionable. I very easily and quickly grasp things and unknowingly/involuntarily/sub-consciously or sometimes consciously/purposely/voluntarily imbibe those things in my life, daily behaviour, routine, character and actions so much that sometimes it is difficult to recognize myself. I respond differently to different stimulus. I am different - to people with different situations and - to different people with same situations. I am even different to myself at times! I change, rapidly change. My thoughts transform and come into light as if they are there since my birth. I ofttimes manipulate. I ofttimes pretend. I ofttimes stand exposed. I ofttimes speak my heart. These transformation are so rapid that I sometimes forget who I am and what my basic and inherent traits are. I enter a shell and leave it as soon as the season changes. I keep changing these shells from inside and outside. I can love and at the same time hate someone. I can admire and at the same time be jealous of someone. I can feel good and at the same time pretend to be feeling bad. I shape situations so that they favour me. I can attract and I can repel people and situations as well. I can implant thoughts in other's minds. I can make them behave in the way I want them to. I am amoeba. I am magnet. I am hypocrite. I am manipulator. I am controller. I am bad. I am smart.

Its like being on stage and playing some character. Every time I take up the stage, I play a different role. I act. I pretend. And after I finish my part I ask myself WHO AM I?

I am lost. I am confused. I am ignorant.

Shy Voice

Among the ferocious words, my thoughts voluntarily silenced themselves.
So I hid my obvious expressions in the pillow of midnight darkness.
My body temperature and pulse kept dipping deep low.
And I enjoyed the descent steeping each step below.
Heavy beats transitioned into a piece of soothing rhythm,
Like an aging turtle I synchronized my time bound freedom.
There was no end to the depth of lonely blue ocean.
So I shed my clothes to swim across & dissolve in the emotions.
To the world I became quite and redefined 'Aboli' in true sense,
But how could I explain the world; my voice felt shy to express this experience.

Mea Culpa.

[Sacred Thread]
Brother,
The strength you have, makes me proud.
Your brave decisions I admire.
Your presence encourages my talent.
The wisdom you impart dissolves all limitations.
For all the wise words of advice, I am thankful.

Its comforting when you speak.
Its bright when you laugh.
Its warm when you hold hands.

I study every step you take.
I carefully listen to your words.
And I try to be you in your absence.

Do you know how much I adore you for what you are?

We were blessed with shelter when God created Fathers.
We understood life when God created Mothers.
We received love when God created Sisters.
And we got a strong support when God created Brothers.

All I have is a prayer for your protection and a thread to tie around your wrist;
So that you can be my strength forever.

Happy Raksha Bandhan.

Meeting my Crescent friend

[My friend]

Time says sleep is the need,

But heart has all its thoughts freed .

So I lie, below the moon-lit sky 

As the silver rays touch my eye.

The shining bright Crescent I see, 

Smiles with steady gaze at me, 

As if a lost amigo he found,

In the cold dewy meadows around.

He sends message across universe,

To tell all stars to disperse.

So that he may be cozy with me

Besides the old lemon tree.

We sit and talk for hours together

Wishing the moment could be held forever.

Because in his soothing words I find

My refuge so humble so modest so kind.

The silence of noise joins in

So does water's glowing skin.

And we together sing the firefly song

Till the night starts fading along.

We then, at orange horizon, depart 

With a subtle content getting absorbed in heart

That at the end of every day we'll meet

My friend I will have for you a cheerful greet. 

Happy Friendship Day.

  

Virgin heart

THOUGHT

I wonder what makes my life so simple

Is it my work or speech or my stars that twinkle?

Right from my childhood I have always received 

Teachers' praises for every tiny height I achieved.

Every passer by wish was fulfilled

Without me ever expressing my will.

I was just practical with my ways in order

And inhabited in my mind's racing recorder. 

I am indeed aware of all my innate flaws 

And thus inch by inch each day I withdraw.

But my backward movement seems invisible

Since I am gifted with a magnet indivisible.

I attract all things alike - good and bad 

Bad seems to make me learn a lesson on time

While good comes as pearls strung on line.

And when this makes the motion forward

My joyous heart feels shortly absurd. 

Its the incompetency that eats me up

Along with insecurities of flaws which club.

I sometimes need someone to convince me

That I really deserve what comes my way so easily.

Hollowness vacuums my lungs inside

As I move to better place to reside.

Am I really worthy of this fortune?

Is question I face every morning and noon.

And probably this makes me so modest

Making my image so perfect and best.

But isn't this worse than ostentation

As hypocrisy mocks at my mirror reflection?

When will I taste the sweat of my hard work?

When will my clothes be darkened with dirt?

I want to experience the joy of labour

And not sleep on bed of roses of unknown favour

There was no apparent silver spoon 

But life was made easy by just one boon.

That boon is my mother who toils for my life

Every second for peace she has strived

And til now I passively enjoyed fruits of her action

Ignorantly living in mode of richness and passion.

But now the time is knocking my door

To understand whats life worth living for.

My childhood, you caressed, O mother

I swear your old age I will make better

As I move to new age and new place

Lots of habits I need to replace

So that every time I have a fall 

Again I will make myself stand tall

Its time to move and breathe life into my self

And crush all virgin insecurities that dwell

Once I get my wheels back on road

Hard work will be the single chore

And then the sweat oozing out of my forehead

Will make me proud and worthy of the earned bread.

Scarlet Story

Fading

Just found a dead rose in my garden

Turning brown and pale in the heat

It lost its essence and mesmerizing beauty

As its own plant was found to be a cheat.

I picked up that rose with great care

And kept between the pages of my diary

It is a reminiscence of those caring days

Of the sweet fragrance and scarlet story.

The next day when I was watering the plant

It told me in grief and repent that it was sorry

But I explained to it that its too late

It cannot bring back the lost glory.

So it wept for a day 

And then regained its position

Decided not to be a cheat in life again

It promised itself to respect vows and relation.

Dead or alive

The strange relation will always survive.

Hidden cord

                           Image: 123RF

There stands an old lady
Besides the busy stairs
Keeps her eyes closed forever
In hope to get mercy shares.

In her green torn saree
With a bowl and cane in hands
She never begs for alms
Instead prays for every passing man -

"Almighty, bless everyone
Give them strength and health
Protect them from evil forces
Keep them in abundant wealth"

Her prayers touch my heart
Every time I pass her by
I feel selfishly self-centered
Ashamed of answering 'WHY?'

The chinks of coins in bowl
Consolidate her faith in God
And she repeats her prayers
With gratitude for her reward.

I wonder what keeps her at peace
In spite of dark destitution
Her speedily senescing years
Reminds me of this short life's mission -

Someday we will turn this world
Into a serene state of Utopia
Every emotion will be respected
In the garden of loving idea.

My egocentric thoughts are crushed
Under the wheels of my own emotions
Source of my belief is this old lady
Her prayers deepen the Faith Ocean!

And then I wonder how God plays his dice
In the dark rooms of unpredictability
Stitch a web of mystery for us
Making us move towards certainty.

The often I remember her prayers
The more I try to seek truth
The more I try to find way out
The more I get caught in loop.

But how strange it seems at times
When I think of old lady's life
Why do I feel she has attained the truth
And its me who has lost in strife?

Is my mind disoriented in thoughts
Of being in either selfish or selfless state?
Why do I feel like a fool before her
Like an ignorant blind bound to fate?

It is God's will as I reckon
His mysteries are not for masses to understand
His messengers are around us everywhere
His words are their final command.

Now I know why she is at peace
What makes her only to remember Lord
She is one of his emissaries
Here to strike a hearty cord -

"Life in true sense is a sojourn
Where we must be thankful to the host
Live amicably with gratitude to the Supreme
Till our boats reach the final coast."

Mother

[IMG: simplyquiet]

Mother

Who is she?

 the first one to wake up and last one to sleep in the house

because she is the unofficial custodian.
the one who feeds her family first even when she herself is famished

because the act of feeding her family is her favourite food.
 the one who eats all left over even when she is fully satiated

because she thinks food should not be wasted.
 the one who cleans house not because it’s a daily chore but

because she wants God to dwell in her house.
 the one who understands every person and adjusts accordingly

because she really can.
 the one who bears all physical pain and never utter a word

because she thinks - ‘this too shall pass’.
 the one who makes you believe that life is beautiful even when she has no penny left

because she wants only peace to reside in your mind.
 the one who stays awake whole night besides your bed when you are sick

because she can heal you with her eyes and touch.
 the one who rejoices in your success

because your happiness is her only desire.
 the only one who suffers along with you when you are in pain not because you are her child but

because she is your Mother.

There is so much to motherhood that I want to write.

Strangely words confine me at this stage.

But it’s okay since some things are better left unsaid.   

Love you Maa.

I'll see you

[pixdaus]

Preoccupied sky

Roars like wild

Cloud to cloud

Overlap loud.

The cold rain 

Canvas droplets

Falling in code

On wet road

A white streak

Is door ajar

Leads way

Where constellations lay.

Black to grey

To red to yellow

Steady gait

Nonperturbing state

In green fields

Amongst red roses dew

After the rain 

I'll see you.

Pure Bliss

Like a Streak of Lightening

Which dazzles the Clouds,

Like the Colours of Feathers

Which make Peacocks proud, 

Like a Faint Rainbow

Diffusing through invisible Air,

Like the Greenery of a Garden

Which the Plant Kingdom share,

Like Crystal Clear Water

Colouring the BLUE PLANET,

Like the setting Sun

Reflecting its tempting Scarlet,

Like the Steady Mountains

Echoing the Cosmic Sound,

Like the Soft Snow

Cooling the Space around,

Like a Giant Leap in the Ocean

Which the Great Whites take, 

Like a Nest for the young ones

Which their Mothers make,

Like the Racing Winds

Spreading the fragrance,

Like the Eyes of a Cow

Filled with Peace and Silence,

Like the Secret of Astronomy,

To Mysteries it gives birth,

Like the Cleansing Rain

Which soothes the Earth,

My LOVE for them is like all of them,

It’s Varied, Immense and Natural for sure,

Uniting with Eternal Forces,

It’s Beautiful, Tranquil and Pure.

Random thoughts

IMG: weheartit

Science gives us fundamental, rational and logical evidence to every action, subject and concept. It throws light on details which are intricately woven into the fabric of mystery. It helps us push forward the frontiers of our knowledge which in turn prove to be beneficial for our progress. Moreover science helps us understand life. I would not hesitate here to say that we can draw parallels to scientific theories and philosophical theories, the abstractness and the ideas. What I mean by this is, we can explain philosophical idea with scientific evidence and add to this, philosophy can help in explaining fundamental scientific concepts. I will explain. I just need few moments of patient audience.

Suppose you are travelling in a train with hundred others. You have in your mind a thought of performing your day’s work efficiently, coming back home and relaxing with your family. We all have more or less same concerns. In a compartment of hundred others how many do you think will be having similar generalized to-do list for the day? All of them or at least a majority of them. So don’t you think that for the time you are in that compartment, you are sharing a bond of commonness with your fellow commuters? So also, you share a bond with the person driving the train. For random timings, the commuters are on a parallel level with the driver and with each other, sharing bonds. For that short interval, you all are together, your lives are interlinked and there is an overlap between your invisible sphere and sphere of other fellow beings.   

All these bonds are temporary. They do not last long. No sooner do you get down on the platform than your bonds break and it does not end there. You make space for new bonds to form. This way in a single day you are incessantly making and breaking unseen bonds of commonness, anonymity, dreams, aspirations, etc.  

Does that cue you something in science or to be specific in chemistry? There you are. The word is – van der Waal force or may be hydrogen bonding. Think of water. How many hydrogen bonds does it form and break in fraction of a second?

When two uncharged atoms are brought very close together, their surrounding electron clouds influence each other. Random variations in the positions of the electrons around one nucleus may create a transient opposite electric dipole in the nearby atom. The two dipoles weakly attract each other bringing two nuclei closer. These weak attractions are called van der Waals interactions.

Back from chemistry lab. We are but molecules in this open system called – World, continually undergoing invisible bonding with each other. So in this way an idea can be supported by science and science in turn can be supported by an idea. I see them both as the two lines of a railway track – similar and parallel but never converging. One supports the other and the other in turn supports his supporter!

Much similar to ‘symbiosis’ - a concept of in biology – living together of unlike organisms!  

This is the fantasy of studying fundamental science. It provides me a perfect reason to back my thinking. It provides a way to get closer to life. 

I so love it! 

Beauty Within

IMG

I am changing.

I am changing for the best.

I feel that optimism in me.

I feel that faith in my thoughts.

I feel I have it already.

I am tuning into to the best frequencies.

I am listening to the response sent back.

I am getting what I want. 

I will get more of what I want.

I have seen the bright life.

I am getting the brightest of them all.

I am changing.

I am changing for best.

To You,

“Follow your dreams and your dreams will follow you!”  

-          Paulo Coelho

I know you can’t think any other inspirational quote when you think about life and I also know that you can’t think about any other author when you muse on your dreams. And that is why I quoted him at the very start of this letter. If I were to ask you how your life has been since you first learned to learn what life is, what will be your answer? Will you be really comfortable facing the truth of past? The answer is No. It’s because your childhood has been too good to have thought about all the overtly glaring miseries of life. But you did start understanding life as you started growing up. You were 15 then. It was the time of metamorphosis. You were no longer your own old self. Your dreams rapidly transformed and your words rapidly changed. But unfortunately it didn’t reflect upon your actions much! This was five steps forward but two steps backward walk. Although these years did lessen that transformed beauty, it didn’t change even a bit of the desire to fly high.

There was a period of hibernation in your life. You were in your lowest forms where your mind ate you up every day for not having given a least try. This was the time of increased randomness when you were for sometime trapped in your own limits and your inner soul thirsted for that freedom. Your hypocritical rationale nearly extinguished that burning fire. And so it was the time for an involuntary movement in the direction where the wind was blowing. It was a period of conventionalism. There are times in everybody’s life when they question themselves whether this is what they really want to do, whether the path they have chosen is the right path, whether they are really following what they have dreamed of and whether they are doing enough to achieve it. You too have questioned your self on several occasions, more than a hundred times, when you were stuck with the conventional. You have questioned yourself whether what you are doing will bring any change in the world or will really make someone’s life better or make someone happier for what he/she is or whether your work and efforts will really make a difference. You keep looking deep and as much deeper as you can. You analyze every little speck of your thought, every idea crossing your mind. And it is now when this contemplation has got you standing at this stage requiring you of the sacrifice. I know you are brave enough for that, for a sacrifice is nothing but a firm belief in your faiths, yourself and in Almighty.  

And here you are today with a revived spirit and a fresh mind. It’s never too late to follow what you believe in. You might not get what you desire but at least your conscience will not eat you up for not having tried. I wrote this letter in recognition of your decision to brave the storm. Power to you!

“Only mediocrity is safe. Take your risks and be the best!”

-          Paulo Coelho

From

Your own free Soul.

A retrospect

Lolloping around with friends, cousins and sometimes strangers of same age as mine, childhood was bliss. I dearly miss those fun filled light days when there were only 3 activities – eating, sleeping and playing, only 2 known essentials - masti and dosti and only 1 intense interest – cartoons!

IMG: Compulsive dreamer

 For hours together, I played with other jumping jacks at our second only home – the play ground. Soil was an open board on which we would write each other’s name, monochrome clay with which we built the castles, a scented element during the first rain and (at times) a delicious tidbit too, while the grass was a cushion, a bed to roll over, a racing track to run wildly on and a place loved by all. Hours we spent shouting and screaming, singing and dancing, chasing and running and pausing at intervals, gasping and declaring the chosen word – ‘tamplese’!

IMG: turbophoto

 Days were simply days, there were no weekdays or any weekends. Time was one continuous stretch, a changing yet constant entity. The sunlight was never scorching nor was the night too dark for a game with group of friends. The call for the day was the call of my mother asking me to return home for a lovely hot supper. Till that time we know nothing of the world as we are too engrossed in our little world of lappa-chupi, pakda-pakdi and jhula.

IMG: thermodern

 Some evenings were spent cycling around the trees while others were spent chasing the colourful butterflies, catching the delicate helicopters and annoying the serene grasshoppers. There was not a single concern to disturb our play time. Although there was one big intermission (of about 5 mins) where we all stood randomly with a glass in hand waiting impatiently to drink water. Ahh! What a long relief from intense activity!!

IMG

 Songs we sang were those of the ‘fire in the mountains....’ and ‘who stole the cookies...’. There was still longer list of others including ‘captain planet……he’s the hero’, ‘flint stones….the modern Stone Age family…’, ‘jungle jungle baat chali…’, ‘sabse nirala sabse anokha mera Disney hour….’. If you say – playing is the first life of a child, then you will unanimously agree to the fact that – cartoons is the second. It was as if there was only one channel on the television and our eyes and ears, intently watching and listening, would be shut to the rest of the world.

IMG: suite101

School was a routine where we were forgetful, reluctant, naughty and cranky. While teachers were respected and also feared when the homework was not done, the Principal was a person holding the highest position ever know to us.

IMG: Lafayette

We were aware of only our little world and hence everything around was our possession! And how proudly we declared them – my pencil, my water-bottle, my school, my house, my mom, my dad! It was towards mom that we ran for every little and silly thing. It was her lap which was the most comfortable couch and kiss on our cheeks which we well deserved. While mom was the most beautiful woman, dad was the most strongest. His arms and shoulders were of steel as we would witness him easily break open the lids of the tins and jars. All we expected from him was a pat on our back exclaiming good girl/boy.

 IMG 

We were so full of life yet unaware about the treasure of joy that we had. It was the ignorance of our ignorance. And that was the sole reason for our happiness as some one has rightly said – IGNORANCE IS BLISS. Indeed blissful we were in the days of our childhood. If only we could rewind the time and breathe life into the child in us….

IMG: inetgiant

(I want every child to enjoy his/her childhood the way I did, but unfortunately.....) 

Interior wings

IMG: weheartit

A voice I hear

Comes into being

A voice without a form

Calls from deep within

A call I hear

When I drench in the rain

When I flow with wind

When I laugh in pain

 A dream I dream

In core silent night

Day, I see omens

Truth fills the light

Subtle nuance I feel

Dwells in my smile

A shade of beauty

Infantile, puerile, juvenile

A fire in me

Ignites my soul

Cites my wishes

Reigns new role

A voice, a call

A nuance, a fire

Elements all are

Of my wish my desire

Nor in my heart

Neither in mind it hides

But in my every biomolecule

It resides.

Turn right Turn strong

When much needed, the words don’t reach,

When time runs out, thoughts disband,

Decisions shilly-shally on their own,

Leaving in clutter warm mind’s home.

Do you realize you are in a trap?

Illusion grips your distressed soul,

What you wanted is now your enemy,

Deriding your unfounded feelings of envy.

Gushes through your throat, rough anger,

Strangely silencing your outcry,

Unaided you stand repenting the waste,

Powerless, feeble, vulnerable, helpless.

You are sans speech,

You are sans peace,

You are sans love,

You are sans yourself.

It is now when you need someone,

Strongest and most Stable,

To cordon your distortions,

To tame the evil foundations.

When I face such situation,

To that Strongest and most Stable I turn,

A few basic questions I ask,

And brace myself for a new task.

Task is to brave the odds on way,

With only weapons in my hands,

Patience and perseverance they identify,

As my determination touch the sky.

Of the result, then I am not worried,

In serene ambience resides my heart,

Solutions are tossed upon the test,

Since You made me stronger, O Strongest!

Sleep-mode

(IMG: Fotosearch) 

You are writing a section which is being dictated by someone standing at a few yards from you. Your nap chemicals are having a day out in your body. It is just at the moment of their freedom that you realize your entry into the semi-sleep mode. Your hand refuses to co-ordinate with your brain or rather your brain fails to send active signals to your hand. When this sync gets disturbed, your on-the-verge-of-defeat conscious mind passes the NOC for the subconscious mind to take over. This subconscious mind is actually your second mind which has been playing a subordinate to the conscious or the first mind up till now. While you were busy writing what was being dictated, your second mind was singing a song much like a stereo playing some soothing track in the background while you indulge yourself in luxury. Writing some words being spoken is not any luxury of course! The second mind gains authority over the control station and executes its parlance via the hand which is galumphing around the page like a lost and dejected soul. You start writing down the song much like a Bollywood heart-broken hero lip-syncing a gloomy solo somewhere in the middle of mesmerizing landscapes. How can one ignore those heavenly holiday destinations! One word, two words, three, four....the words start pouring out of your karaoke jargon and it goes something like....... 'il be your drem il be your vish.....' Yes that's your favourite song! But the lease is only for few seconds and the conscious mind gains back the control before the threshold is crossed. This is only in the cases when you are sitting upright on a chair. Had you been lying down on the couch or bed, relaxing your ever stressed legs, the second mind would have strengthened its power to operate the control station for a longer time. Now you have before you, few artistically written words surprising you with their meaning and relation to what you were doing previously. Yes, its unimaginable!, you think, give an uncanny smile to yourself and take a sip of water before you resume the writing, asking yourself, "Did any one see what I did just now?"  :)

....

Morning was at its infancy today, when

The silk breeze, golden sun and cold land,

Gave me a treasure chest

To share with the world around -    

A hope for a better, bright and beautiful future 

A hope for days full of love, peace and care

A hope for joyous and healthy generation

A hope for a cheerful world this new year.

I share these with you

With a thought in my mind 

May you forward with grit towards your aim 

Cherishing all days you leave behind.