More of me than anything else.
I am very observant and impressionable. I very easily and quickly grasp things and unknowingly/involuntarily/sub-consciously or sometimes consciously/purposely/voluntarily imbibe those things in my life, daily behaviour, routine, character and actions so much that sometimes it is difficult to recognize myself. I respond differently to different stimulus. I am different - to people with different situations and - to different people with same situations. I am even different to myself at times! I change, rapidly change. My thoughts transform and come into light as if they are there since my birth. I ofttimes manipulate. I ofttimes pretend. I ofttimes stand exposed. I ofttimes speak my heart. These transformation are so rapid that I sometimes forget who I am and what my basic and inherent traits are. I enter a shell and leave it as soon as the season changes. I keep changing these shells from inside and outside. I can love and at the same time hate someone. I can admire and at the same time be jealous of someone. I can feel good and at the same time pretend to be feeling bad. I shape situations so that they favour me. I can attract and I can repel people and situations as well. I can implant thoughts in other's minds. I can make them behave in the way I want them to. I am amoeba. I am magnet. I am hypocrite. I am manipulator. I am controller. I am bad. I am smart.
Its like being on stage and playing some character. Every time I take up the stage, I play a different role. I act. I pretend. And after I finish my part I ask myself WHO AM I?
I am lost. I am confused. I am ignorant.
I am very observant and impressionable. I very easily and quickly grasp things and unknowingly/involuntarily/sub-consciously or sometimes consciously/purposely/voluntarily imbibe those things in my life, daily behaviour, routine, character and actions so much that sometimes it is difficult to recognize myself. I respond differently to different stimulus. I am different - to people with different situations and - to different people with same situations. I am even different to myself at times! I change, rapidly change. My thoughts transform and come into light as if they are there since my birth. I ofttimes manipulate. I ofttimes pretend. I ofttimes stand exposed. I ofttimes speak my heart. These transformation are so rapid that I sometimes forget who I am and what my basic and inherent traits are. I enter a shell and leave it as soon as the season changes. I keep changing these shells from inside and outside. I can love and at the same time hate someone. I can admire and at the same time be jealous of someone. I can feel good and at the same time pretend to be feeling bad. I shape situations so that they favour me. I can attract and I can repel people and situations as well. I can implant thoughts in other's minds. I can make them behave in the way I want them to. I am amoeba. I am magnet. I am hypocrite. I am manipulator. I am controller. I am bad. I am smart.
Its like being on stage and playing some character. Every time I take up the stage, I play a different role. I act. I pretend. And after I finish my part I ask myself WHO AM I?
I am lost. I am confused. I am ignorant.
Girl, you remind me of "Mystique" in the "X-Men". She willingly changes herself physically in response to the need of the moment. You change in an inward fashion.
ReplyDeleteI feel that the intrinsic traits of survival are playing high inside you. Deep inside, you are highly aware of the circumstances; the consciousness, holds a versatile repertoire of reactions (which are actually subtle "actions"), that comes out of you in different form in different times, sometimes as combinations of more than one. In order to experience results as per your choice, the 'reactions' are invoked, willingly or unwillingly.
Controller. Manipulator. Survivor.
Can you find a connection between the words above? Nature has gifted you something, girl! The female of every species are smarter than their male counterparts. They do possess something extra, which are nothing but means of survival!
With all those pretensions, hypocrisy, confusion and ignorance of yours, probably you also wish sometimes if you had understood people a bit less vividly! That would have helped you reducing the degree of invoked 'acts'. Probably, only then, you would have found a stability in your behavioral patterns which are highly diverse now; I think you know the reason. That is because you wouldn't have been able to 'see' the diversity of peoples' minds then, which I guess is the reason behind your feeling lost in behavior now.
Through your words, I see a woman, of unmixed kind, in all her basic and truest sense, created and crafted by nature itself.
Enjoy it, girl, as the control is right there, in your hands!
Still thinking.
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDeleteWe all have purpose, White. All of us. Each of us is a part the purpose that connects us and binds us. Whether we know it or not. Whether we like it or not.
ReplyDeleteTD
I really don't know how to respond to your thoughtful comments.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to reveal the skeletons in my cupboard and show that I may not be what you take me to be.
@sam - The control in my hand itself is a big problem. I CONTROL. I manipulate. Thats not a good thing to do. I feel I am not being myself. I feel like a mirror. Whoever comes in front gets back a reflection unique to him. What identity does a mirror have?
And with all those hypocrisy, ignorance, confusion and pretense in me, I wish sometimes if I had understood MYSELF a bit less vividly! I am my worst critic. I know deep down that something is messed up. That 'something' haunts my existence.
@TD - To achieve the purpose knowingly or unknowingly we act, change ourselves or situations, alter ideas and wait for the results. But in this process we forget ourselves. It becomes a routine. And we naturally start doing things which does not suit our nature.
Although I have spoken with ambiguity, I hope my feelings reach you the way I want them to.