Tink,
Have you any idea
Of my unused wings?
Fly I could just like you
To visit flowers in spring.
Lost I my pixie dust
Tried when I to swim.
My glowing skin
Would make waters blush.
But I've lost them all
Somewhere in rush.

Where have I come Tink?
You sure know this place
Will you help me link,
My way back to my old self?
Will you dance my pain away?
I've got problems Tink.

A diary entry

I have developed a new hobby - bird watching; all thanks to my friends who one fine morning set out to observe birds around the campus. Listening to their stories, I joined them with tremendous enthusiasm the next time. So I marked my first day of serious bird watching on 14th March 2013.
In pleasing infant morning, with alert ears and eyes, heads turned up, staring at the uncouth architecture of trees, we took a stroll alongside the main streets in campus. In no time the tiny birds started showing up. Tweeting, flying and chasing each other all across the space, they flew around like 6 year old kids on a playground. Only about 4 to 5 inches in height, these birds kept us fixed, for a long time, at one place.
Then came an unusual sound somewhere from the top and we were all excited to see the Greater Coucal elegantly flying from one branch to another, each a step higher. His brown wings and huge black body grabbed us in awe. We kept noticing it through out the trip. The next bird which caught our attention had a beautiful and well-defined forked tail. This was the Black Drongo. His silent flight from one tree to another was worth watching. Little did we know what awaited us next - the White-throated Kingfisher! His serene composure on a twig, the beautiful blue-brown-white-red colours on his average sized body and a long beak was a sight we could never have missed in that little patch of greenery besides the faculty quarters. After spending about 15 minutes around Kingfisher we were all excited for our next surprise which was, as we named it -, watching it hop on the lawn, - the hopper (White-browed wagtail). This not-so-tiny hopper was the most delightful bird of the trip. Watching it run-and-hop all over the place was so much fun. We called it a day when we saw other students (rather mean-birds) walking towards the mess. That was my first day of bird watching. On the second day we saw Common Grey Hornbill, Indian Robin and Red-vented Bulbul. On our disheartening trip to bird sanctuary, we saw Purple Swamphens and Flemingos. Almost everyday after recognizing the birds, I find Indian Robin come and greet me. It is surely one of the cutest birds I have ever seen.  I wish to become a serious bird watcher someday.

Brown ink and blank paper
Table lamp and a glass of water
Eyes closed and monkey mind
Will a fine word you find?

A little scribble, a couple of lines
A sentence or simple design?

Tweets of tailor birds
The tick tok of clock
You are inside your head
Walk my sweet heart,
Have a nice walk.

If someday we meet
If our roads cross
Reminded I'll be
of that uncommenced story.

This unknown start will have no end.
How will I greet you my dear friend?

I realized my love that day
when you had already turned away
But I, my friend, had no right
To stop you there and fight

Sans a leave, sans a word
You left my company
Alone I became
In this unfinished game.

I knew your commitments
Your love and life
I accepted all of them
And just wanted to be your friend

Unworthy I was?
Or too much did I ask?

I am not aware, I am not aware.
Just tell me how I should greet you
If someday I see you across the street
If in some distant future we meet.

But of this I'm not sure my friend - 
whether I'll even get see you again.

I'll miss you
Really miss you
Until the very end.

Little did I know, when I was a school kid, that dancing would be my sole source of delight and that I would regret not having trained myself in any of the dance forms in my early formative years. Every time I listen to a beautiful piece of music, I am expediently attended by my influenced moves and imperfect lines which, although incomplete, satiate my thirst. My afflictions aggravate when I realize my actual bodily strength; blame I the lack of dedication. But dear dance, how I love you so much! Such excruciating a pain and anguish I experience for letting you remain crippled for life!

Right from my tender age, perfectly disposed, because of constant conditioning by my grandparents, to become some kind of activist, I pondered over societal miseries and deteriorating foundation on which we reside in frightening oblivion. I squandered my time, energy and thoughts, away on something that I would never do, but only dream of doing, in my life, and hence regret not having given a chance to that inception. Although my conditioned mind loved the notion of clean-up of every form of dirt from society, disentanglement of multifaceted issues which decay owing to stagnancy, establishing logical ideas to repair the fractured edifice and constructing a foolproof system to ease the work of tomorrow's leaders; I never really tried enough to materialize any of them.

Neither the original passion nor the instilled path did I follow; instead I ventured into a completely unrelated and never-thought-of field. I did not make my destiny. Destiny, for the lack of my efforts, itself chose its path and I hate myself to this day for having obliged to it. 

I accepted those terms which would eventually lead me no where. Why didn't my prudent mind hold myself guilty of such greater an impropriety? Blind indeed I was for I lacked vision. I had switched myself into a - disapprobation-to-all mode, turning down every opportunity which I'd rather grabbed and performed. If only I had a little sense of my sensibility, I would have been in a different universe right now. I detest my current abode and mental state but unfortunately, I will have to wait 2 or 3 more months for this chapter to get over.

2 years are all I have
To live, learn and enjoy,
Just 2 more years to prove
my identity, my independent self. 

Only around 700 days left
To comfort mom and dad,
Be their good daughter 
And a guidance to my sister.

Of that dreadful day I dream
Of apparent glitter and shine
When, in my fancy bridal wear
I'll stand at the altar unprepared.

Six and twenty I will be
Thinking of all the life behind
Yellow metal won't be a burden
More than the thought of separation.

Who will understand my mind?
Or my mom's courageous heart?
How will my dad give me away?
Unwillingly, we will part.

Why should I believe you
when I know you are lying?
I know obvious reasons
which you think you can hide

It's all my fault,
I let my emotions run free
You don't even know
that they still hurt me!

All I asked was to be friends with me
Nothing more nothing less
Every time I see you now
I feel a plain stab in my heart.

You could have told me
But you didn't
Why should I suffer?
Why should I let myself suffer?

This Tricky Illusion

I thought I was your good friend
Since start of this new stage
Those fun times we had back then
Those long walks and frequent dinners
All of them I remember.

You shared every news
And all the daily happenings
From morning bread to evening toast
From poor childhood to frustrated youth days
You told me every story you remember.

I admired your character
Your strength and thoughts
Your integrity and  wisdom
And whenever you wore that stoic face
More than ever I admired you.

Your laughter and freedom
Your ability and knowledge
Your bizarre ideas and wicked solutions
Kept me wondering
"Are you from this planet?"

Or a 'Figment of My Imagination' you are?
I try to trace back along the year
To find out where I went wrong
Such great an irony this is
I can't even ask you what's wrong!

You've changed since last October
You behave as if we never met
Your answers to my questions
Charity to a destitute, now they seem
You've started avoiding me.

I cried a river in vain
My heart couldn't accept this
My mind couldn't reason out
Why did you throw me away
Like a worthless torn garment?

I thought you were my good friend
And so all my secrets I shared
My old dark closet I opened
And before you tumbled the skeletons
Shameless, careless but faithful and obedient.

Read I, my life to you
As it was, as it should have been
Revealed I, my dreams to you
As they fertilized and shaped
Stood I, all naked before you!

Now, our conversations sound funny
Like two strangers talking
Thinking why we are still talking
And I should be alone here
But indeed, we are, from birth!

'You see me', you said once
Thought I found a true friend
But to you this friendship is
Just a headless ghost on your shoulder
And my blood boils to know that!

In your dreams you kill someone
And bury the body in campus
That someone turned out to be me
Prematurely you murdered me 
A living dead I became unfortunately!

I thought I was your good friend
I thought you are my good friend
But neither you nor I
Proved to be good let alone best
Wasn't this the trickiest illusion?

Left back all emotions,
dreams and desires
alone somewhere in early Jan.
Peeled off pink silk
I was marred and wounded
open to dust and grey sand.
Pacifier kept ticking,
and vision blurred
sinking beneath blue good byes.
Now I gather myself
just to tell you my Love
that you reside as tear drops in my eyes.

I lost you

Do you know what will happen if you leave me? 

Do you know that I dread this day deeply? 

The tale of love will remain 'Once upon a time' 

And the pages will freeze with that incomplete rhyme 

All my dreams I'll bury in some place unknown 

And dissolve my emotions into desert's swishing tone 

That first kiss that last hug that silent night that warm rug 

Every little memory I'll keep in my mind 

And be on my own till some reason I find 

And do you know why I composed this piece? 

Its because you have finally left me in grief 

And none of what I just said I am able to do 

Since I am stuck in this infinite loop 

I made promises to forget all the roses 

But their fragrance still haunt my senses 

Your voice lingers in my mind at nights 

As if you are whispering me those late delights 

Why did you leave, why did we depart? 

Why had I built our home in my heart? 

I am left with questions, questions unanswered 

I feel like an expressionless creature in herd 

I am losing my understanding and ability to discern 

As my life without you is being swallowed by the sun 

I remember how I wished I were your fate 

But now its all done since I have lost You my soul-mate.

Far I have come, away from home Farther I wish to go Lonesomeness has started teaching me Facets of independence and freedom. I am left with a moulding vessel, At the learning center here Like thousand others I started off To shape to mould to nestle. I love this clean air and slient night I love to spend time with me I have come to value myself And change definitions of the right. This is a whole new stage A ring to fight with my old self A quest to acquire the treasure chest A key for breaking open the cage. I am old enough to not get a loan So I pull myself up by my bootstraps Its a challenge I have given myself I now face this new zone.

Who am I?

More of me than anything else.

I am very observant and impressionable. I very easily and quickly grasp things and unknowingly/involuntarily/sub-consciously or sometimes consciously/purposely/voluntarily imbibe those things in my life, daily behaviour, routine, character and actions so much that sometimes it is difficult to recognize myself. I respond differently to different stimulus. I am different - to people with different situations and - to different people with same situations. I am even different to myself at times! I change, rapidly change. My thoughts transform and come into light as if they are there since my birth. I ofttimes manipulate. I ofttimes pretend. I ofttimes stand exposed. I ofttimes speak my heart. These transformation are so rapid that I sometimes forget who I am and what my basic and inherent traits are. I enter a shell and leave it as soon as the season changes. I keep changing these shells from inside and outside. I can love and at the same time hate someone. I can admire and at the same time be jealous of someone. I can feel good and at the same time pretend to be feeling bad. I shape situations so that they favour me. I can attract and I can repel people and situations as well. I can implant thoughts in other's minds. I can make them behave in the way I want them to. I am amoeba. I am magnet. I am hypocrite. I am manipulator. I am controller. I am bad. I am smart.

Its like being on stage and playing some character. Every time I take up the stage, I play a different role. I act. I pretend. And after I finish my part I ask myself WHO AM I?

I am lost. I am confused. I am ignorant.

Shy Voice

Among the ferocious words, my thoughts voluntarily silenced themselves.
So I hid my obvious expressions in the pillow of midnight darkness.
My body temperature and pulse kept dipping deep low.
And I enjoyed the descent steeping each step below.
Heavy beats transitioned into a piece of soothing rhythm,
Like an aging turtle I synchronized my time bound freedom.
There was no end to the depth of lonely blue ocean.
So I shed my clothes to swim across & dissolve in the emotions.
To the world I became quite and redefined 'Aboli' in true sense,
But how could I explain the world; my voice felt shy to express this experience.

Mea Culpa.

[Sacred Thread]
Brother,
The strength you have, makes me proud.
Your brave decisions I admire.
Your presence encourages my talent.
The wisdom you impart dissolves all limitations.
For all the wise words of advice, I am thankful.

Its comforting when you speak.
Its bright when you laugh.
Its warm when you hold hands.

I study every step you take.
I carefully listen to your words.
And I try to be you in your absence.

Do you know how much I adore you for what you are?

We were blessed with shelter when God created Fathers.
We understood life when God created Mothers.
We received love when God created Sisters.
And we got a strong support when God created Brothers.

All I have is a prayer for your protection and a thread to tie around your wrist;
So that you can be my strength forever.

Happy Raksha Bandhan.

Meeting my Crescent friend

[My friend]

Time says sleep is the need,

But heart has all its thoughts freed .

So I lie, below the moon-lit sky 

As the silver rays touch my eye.

The shining bright Crescent I see, 

Smiles with steady gaze at me, 

As if a lost amigo he found,

In the cold dewy meadows around.

He sends message across universe,

To tell all stars to disperse.

So that he may be cozy with me

Besides the old lemon tree.

We sit and talk for hours together

Wishing the moment could be held forever.

Because in his soothing words I find

My refuge so humble so modest so kind.

The silence of noise joins in

So does water's glowing skin.

And we together sing the firefly song

Till the night starts fading along.

We then, at orange horizon, depart 

With a subtle content getting absorbed in heart

That at the end of every day we'll meet

My friend I will have for you a cheerful greet. 

Happy Friendship Day.

  

Virgin heart

THOUGHT

I wonder what makes my life so simple

Is it my work or speech or my stars that twinkle?

Right from my childhood I have always received 

Teachers' praises for every tiny height I achieved.

Every passer by wish was fulfilled

Without me ever expressing my will.

I was just practical with my ways in order

And inhabited in my mind's racing recorder. 

I am indeed aware of all my innate flaws 

And thus inch by inch each day I withdraw.

But my backward movement seems invisible

Since I am gifted with a magnet indivisible.

I attract all things alike - good and bad 

Bad seems to make me learn a lesson on time

While good comes as pearls strung on line.

And when this makes the motion forward

My joyous heart feels shortly absurd. 

Its the incompetency that eats me up

Along with insecurities of flaws which club.

I sometimes need someone to convince me

That I really deserve what comes my way so easily.

Hollowness vacuums my lungs inside

As I move to better place to reside.

Am I really worthy of this fortune?

Is question I face every morning and noon.

And probably this makes me so modest

Making my image so perfect and best.

But isn't this worse than ostentation

As hypocrisy mocks at my mirror reflection?

When will I taste the sweat of my hard work?

When will my clothes be darkened with dirt?

I want to experience the joy of labour

And not sleep on bed of roses of unknown favour

There was no apparent silver spoon 

But life was made easy by just one boon.

That boon is my mother who toils for my life

Every second for peace she has strived

And til now I passively enjoyed fruits of her action

Ignorantly living in mode of richness and passion.

But now the time is knocking my door

To understand whats life worth living for.

My childhood, you caressed, O mother

I swear your old age I will make better

As I move to new age and new place

Lots of habits I need to replace

So that every time I have a fall 

Again I will make myself stand tall

Its time to move and breathe life into my self

And crush all virgin insecurities that dwell

Once I get my wheels back on road

Hard work will be the single chore

And then the sweat oozing out of my forehead

Will make me proud and worthy of the earned bread.

Scarlet Story

Fading

Just found a dead rose in my garden

Turning brown and pale in the heat

It lost its essence and mesmerizing beauty

As its own plant was found to be a cheat.

I picked up that rose with great care

And kept between the pages of my diary

It is a reminiscence of those caring days

Of the sweet fragrance and scarlet story.

The next day when I was watering the plant

It told me in grief and repent that it was sorry

But I explained to it that its too late

It cannot bring back the lost glory.

So it wept for a day 

And then regained its position

Decided not to be a cheat in life again

It promised itself to respect vows and relation.

Dead or alive

The strange relation will always survive.

Hidden cord

                           Image: 123RF

There stands an old lady
Besides the busy stairs
Keeps her eyes closed forever
In hope to get mercy shares.

In her green torn saree
With a bowl and cane in hands
She never begs for alms
Instead prays for every passing man -

"Almighty, bless everyone
Give them strength and health
Protect them from evil forces
Keep them in abundant wealth"

Her prayers touch my heart
Every time I pass her by
I feel selfishly self-centered
Ashamed of answering 'WHY?'

The chinks of coins in bowl
Consolidate her faith in God
And she repeats her prayers
With gratitude for her reward.

I wonder what keeps her at peace
In spite of dark destitution
Her speedily senescing years
Reminds me of this short life's mission -

Someday we will turn this world
Into a serene state of Utopia
Every emotion will be respected
In the garden of loving idea.

My egocentric thoughts are crushed
Under the wheels of my own emotions
Source of my belief is this old lady
Her prayers deepen the Faith Ocean!

And then I wonder how God plays his dice
In the dark rooms of unpredictability
Stitch a web of mystery for us
Making us move towards certainty.

The often I remember her prayers
The more I try to seek truth
The more I try to find way out
The more I get caught in loop.

But how strange it seems at times
When I think of old lady's life
Why do I feel she has attained the truth
And its me who has lost in strife?

Is my mind disoriented in thoughts
Of being in either selfish or selfless state?
Why do I feel like a fool before her
Like an ignorant blind bound to fate?

It is God's will as I reckon
His mysteries are not for masses to understand
His messengers are around us everywhere
His words are their final command.

Now I know why she is at peace
What makes her only to remember Lord
She is one of his emissaries
Here to strike a hearty cord -

"Life in true sense is a sojourn
Where we must be thankful to the host
Live amicably with gratitude to the Supreme
Till our boats reach the final coast."