Solitude

an exquisite surrender...
like a tear drop under the spell of gravity...

My nails

I asked them if they want to be grown.
Came the reply: We have no purpose.
So I slaughtered and buried them under the old banyan tree.

You do, I do not.

It didn't seem nice
I wouldn't have done that
But my heart won't allow me the sin
So I'll forgive and try to forget
And write you a beautiful poem instead.

Sometimes the shadows of anonymity are much more interesting than the resplendence of familiarity.

Unreachable

When you read to me that night, you touched me deep inside without letting your hands off that yellow paper. It was slow and gradual, like wine diffusing in my senses. The warmth of your words comforted my skin. My cheeks felt the tears rolling down your cheeks. I could not lift my arms. I could not hold you. You seemed unreachable in your own world. Yet you touched me as if through a different dimension. The piano next to you played a familiar tune. I remember it was what I had asked for, to be played, at my funeral. I loved every note the piano was playing. I was drenched in fragrance of white flowers placed next to my bed. Candles and letters, they were all for me. I saw everything and felt everything yet couldn't reach anything. I looked at you. Your eyes were swollen and you were whimpering soft words of the first poem you had written for me. I looked beautiful in the white. I knew you loved me. And I loved you too. But how could I have told you? You seemed unreachable. 

Mode: Switch off.

I love going out alone, eating alone, sometimes talking to strangers or feeding the street dogs, watching kids play in the park and the elders do yoga in temple. Evenings are pretty. Much prettier are the mornings when I notice the nascent flowers, dewy leaves, gigantic trees and sometimes, if I'm lucky I get to spot pretty birds as well. I love the sounds squirrels make all through out the day as much as I am scared of the sounds which bats make at midnights. I like kites sitting high on some antenna. They look so majestic even from such distance. Those creatures! I love walking down the unknown streets staring at the pretty houses. I wish there were more cafés around which gave a comfortable feel of solitude, where you could cozy up in a sufficiently lit place for reading Leonard Cohen's poetry, order a cup a coffee and have a lovely sandwich. I love being just so slow with nothing significant running through my mind. There are streets I haven't yet walked. I feel like stepping out and exploring in every direction. I so love making mental notes of what is where. I love to guide people. I love to interact with kids playing on streets or just wave them with a smile. Sometimes while walking I just stop and stare for long at something which I haven't seen before. There's a lot to observe and take in. But surprisingly I don't do anything consciously. The walks and the observations are so luxuriously spaced with nothingness. I do not think actively. I call it 'the switched off mode', when I am so empty and that emptiness is comforting. I do not really know how I enter this mode. My generally troubled mind gets an off on such days. The world moves before my eyes. But I step aside to observe as if I have eternity to do that. Well the switched off state is eternity!

And oh! I love the rides too, in the car, or on the bike as a pillion rider. Back in university, I always had a strange feeling about the stillness of the nights there. I always said, a place should change face. It should not be so static. No wonder I love the motion of the place when I am in the car or on the bike. I always feel that it should last a longer. The cool air hitting on my skin and that feeling of temporary perpetual-ness! Haaaahhh! I love that! Much lovelier are my bike rides, when I just decide to go out with no specific destination in my mind. That perpetual motion is what I crave for! :'( That blankness, those trouble free experiences I miss. I never think so lightly about anything. The processor is off and I am just taking in through all my senses and letting those those inputs disappear in the maze of my mind. 

At such times, I don't feel vulnerable. I am not afraid that the dog will bite me or someone might think I am crazy to stop in the middle and stare above in the sky. I do not care if the other gender is noticing me. I am not protective of my belongings. I walk super leisurely at the crossings looking at the vehicles, with a strange awareness -- they know I am at peace.

Peaceful and detached. 

May be tomorrow I'll dance,
to the tunes which never played.
But today I need to wait. Patiently.

For once, I need to start loving myself
DO what I feel
And believe in the powers of healing
For once. At once.

When you move to a new place

You fall for the beauty.
You fall for the ideal.
Then you decide to journey on,
to the unknowns,
leaving everything behind,
except a stone in your heart.

Fights

Fights.
They energize the air,
stimulate the auditory sense,
blind the eyes,
race the pulse, the hormones,
burn each soul down to ashes,
mar the love that was meant only for you.
You don't think of the beautiful gone years,
care, dreams, vows or respect.
All you feel is the blood.
Tainted maroon blood.
Who is to be blamed?
Fights.

Midnight madness

I love this midnight madness
when emotions shoot like rockets
and words dance like puppets
There seems no end to this
And I want no end 
I cry listening to the dream of Martin Luther King Jr.
I sing the song of angry men
I'm overjoyed watching V play Tchaikovsky
I reminisce listening to Ekla chalo re
I shout O Captain my Captain
I write in my diary -
if you are going to try 
go all the way
otherwise don't even start
I wander among the woods on a snowy evening
and think of death which shall have no dominion
I feel like rising dust
like an ocean sized loud speaker 
a phenomenal woman
a voice contained in four walls
echoing the beating of the drums
I am the centre
I am the amber
I am the untouched cold of the night
I divorce the world just to be 
my own surreal dream tonight.
And every night I shall rise from dead
to walk and paint
the unexplained
Every night I will invite
the words mightier than swords
Every night will be a fight
with pain
But still I will dream
for the beauty.
and I will be the beauty.
like I am tonight
I will be every night.

A Closure

So far. So long.
I have come all done and clean.
Not only was it organized, I disinfected it too.
It looks much more like the GH-155 now.
"Absolutely Absolute!" 
Relaxed.
So bloody relaxed.
So so so bloody happy with the burlap origami
The entities connected, perfectly wired.
The circuits and sockets all understood.
I wasn't alone.
I communicated with 'They'.
Morse wasn't required. MY diary did the job.
Now that I am out, I will say -
"The depths I love and the depths I admire
And the depths are for what I am wired."
So dear seductive gravity,
I am ready for another entity 
Pull me.... "Intuitions".
I'm game! B-)

That happiness!

Write....write..Aboli write...right!
I've been thinking of documenting this feeling of extreme happiness. About that happiness when everything around is so screwed up. But I am so mentally relaxed, in fact I am excited and just ready to freakout any given moment....at any given point in time! That happiness which makes me forget the pain! That happiness which makes my cheeks pain with the constant smiling and laughing and wondering how round my cheek are! That happiness when I listen to Mark Knopfler and John Denver. That happiness when I read and recite Maya Angelou, Sylvia Plath, Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, Dylan Thomas! That happiness when I watch SYTYCD! That happiness when I perform that beautiful introduction from Raja Shiv Chhatrapati! That happiness when I read aloud Emerson! That happiness which good language gives! That happiness of those special and awesome songs and melodies! That happiness when I drink wine and laugh out loud! That happiness when I think of absoluteness! It's more than just the feeling of happiness. It's just beyond everything. Enough to ignore this pain and useless tension!
Wonder what has happened to me! Wonder in which direction I have evolved! I never felt so happy with such little things. I never knew it could ever mean pure joy for me. And there is no reason for this to be pure joy. They are just my favourites. *Among my dearests*
Boy! I just want to freakout without any reason. Madness is liberating. Madness is freedom. Madness is happiness! That happiness! It's 02:28 am and I am happy without any solid reason!

Stupid

Be stupid sometimes
And just feel emotions
Let them have the sane talks
You just smile back
Chase those dandelions
They will take you to new places
Jump about to see what's beyond
You will discover awesomeness
Open that small piggy bank
And spend on chocolate ice-creams
Cycle around
Be an explorer
Have your gadgets ready
Build them if you like
Dance when you discover
Sing when you are happy
Write when you are filled
Read when you are alone
Sleep at the dusk
Only to wake up again and be stupid.

That moment.

I turned back to look at you.
You held me there in that moment.
A moment longer than eternity.
Eternity of your embrace
Embrace of your gaze
Gaze calling out my name
My name in your sigh
I sighed back.
So did the wind.

Last laugh

I know why you smile when you look at me.
I know why you like to look at me.
Had I been you, I would have done the same
Because I know the reason.
Just once hold me in the rain and dance
Just once take me in your arms and sing for me
Just once make me feel stupid
Just once smile at me
And let me be in that moment with you.
Let me feel your love.
Let me fall in love.
Let me be.
Just let me be.

It's it a funny game.
You die. Then in the next beat you're Alive.
Alive with spirits flying high.
And then you want it even more.

Dying before death

[Roll the dice with a laughing heart]

Oh long lost friend I yearn for you
Your marvellous mind was my source of inspiration
You spoke of beauty, of beauty in purpose
And rejoiced in excitement of action
Oh long lost friend I wonder where I left you
Somewhere between cities and love affair
Or some place of mindless decision
I conveniently forgot you
Locked you. Discarded you.
Now you trouble me with conflicts
The left was never right and the right always existed
Yet I walked like a fool in the midst of confusion
Blindfolded with stupidity overflowing around
I know I know I know you were my life
Without you I am just a dead man walking.

A small incident

A small incident happened this evening which triggered a series of questions within me about my nature, choices, believes, perceptions, behaviour, management skills, people skills, survival, self-deception and finally truth (which will be that which seems most appropriate after all the masks have been brought down....to put in terms of Sherlock, "Once you have ruled out the impossible, whatever remains however improbable must be true.").

I was enjoying my evening bread just when I heard an anxious knock at the door. It was Manan, my landlord's elder son, looking alarmed trying to explain me something. But he was so slow that I myself, sensing something wrong, started asking him questions like whether he met with an accident or if Tanish, his younger brother, got hurt. He said, while riding, his cycle's handle accidentally scratched another vehicle and that they were calling someone elder to pay for the damage done. So I went down to see what happened.

From what I remember, Rita Di, the house maid, was sitting on the entrance stairs screaming and apologizing at the same time on behalf of the kids. The moment I went down, one of the guys asked me if I can speak Kannad or Telugu. I said "neither" and started speaking in Hindi. They showed me the scratch on their Innova and explained me their version. Then I asked for Manan's version. Both the stories seemed pretty consistent with minor biased opinions in their defence.

Then I began explaining the guy, who probably was driving the vehicle when this incident took place. And it was all explanations which I did. I said that, for such a small scratch unintentionally done by a kid playing in his own street, they shouldn't be so adamant and demand money or ask for the repair. From their physique and clothes it was easy to guess that the vehicle wasn't theirs and that they might just be demanding money because their owner might lash out at them. That's what I actually thought.

So I tried to explain them in a very respectful yet stern manner that they should let go this silly issue. And frankly I do feel that people should ignore such trivial things. For an unfortunate happenstance like this one, where nobody had the ill-intention or was hurt, people should learn to ignore what the outcome was and focus on mistakes at both ends just so that it never happens again.

But no my dear! Welcome to India. The country of rowdy Rathors and raanti Reddys! They want money. They want to show how powerful localites they are. They want to terrorize us by calling for reinforcement and outnumbering us. They want the police to be involved because they know, being localites, they can influence the police personnels too. More than anything else, on a much deeper level, they want a sense of victory. A sense which will make them feel righteously powerful. And they will never miss a chance for that.

Soon the other tenants, both girls (media students...worth mentioning here) arrived near the gates and asked what had happened. I explained them in brief and within no time there was a huge ruckus with both girls shouting and screaming on the top of their voices at those two guys. I sighed at my incapacity to calm them down. Actually, the moment I saw those two girls I realised that they will incite the guys to fight more vehemently. And that is exactly what happened.

Looking at the level of shouting and screaming out pointless arguments, I took a step back for few moments. Well there was nothing else I could have done. Given my soft, less talkative, non-aggressive nature I thought it's best not to speak in between. And what happened for the next few minutes was, I feel, totally unnecessary and pointless. The way these girls dominated by raising their voices and giving arguments seemed a little too much for the kind of issue we were facing.

I am not supporting or discrediting any side on their opinions and efforts. I don't want to state or analyse who was right or wrong. I am just pointing out at the way we are wired to always dominate. Kyriarchy. That's what I experienced today. In this case, by taking advantage of the child's mistake, the two guys wanted to believe that they have the capacity to beat us down, that they are above some individuals (at least in some situations), that they are on the 'right' side and so in their conditioned believes, want justice to be done.

On the other were these two girls. With a thought of 'being media students', they lashed out at the boys in loud voices. These girls had their own reasons for domination. There seemed a blatant belief in them that they can handle any situation by just being a strong woman....which is not false. Education and a masters degree obviously provided an edge and a reason to dominate.

Kyriarchy was the invisible symphony in the background.

These guys, stay somewhere on the next cross road. A few meters away from our house. Behaving in this fashion clearly indicates how we have evolved as a society of disconnected neighbours. Also, I want to point out how we end up being under control of things which we possess. Any small damage to a personal property is enough to blow off the lids of sensibility and logic and let's also say - ethics. In the heated argument exchange which was happening, a very funny line was being thrown by each of the parties - "Being educated, you should know how to behave." I was more than amused. :P

Well, a lot happened. One neighbour tried to be a patient listener to the guy who could only speak the local language. One delivery boy stopped with his vehicle just to enjoy the chaos. I saw a man's silhouette on the terrace of a building diagonally opposite to our house. The inquisitive passer-bys slowed their pace. Girls were shouting in their high-pitched feminine voices. The guys responded roughly and disrespectfully. Manan and Tanish were quiet with fright, Rita Di was apologising and I was wondering why it had to explode this way! The scene was intense.

Bhaiya, bhabhi, Manan's parent's were on their way. We were waiting for them. But it so happened that those guys decided to let go off the issue and vanished from the place few seconds before bhaiya, bhabhi arrived. The two girls started explaining bhaiya bhabhi what those guys had been saying and what replies these girls had been giving. One of the girls said how calmly I tried to explain those guys. But the moment she said that, bhabhi said "isse toh nahi hoga". Meaning, I couldn't have made them run away on my own. I laughed at that moment. Came back to my room and started wondering about my nature, choices, believes, perceptions, behaviour, management skills, people skills, survival, self-deception and finally truth.

The truth is I am not aggressive by nature. I make my choice to behave systematically in such situations. I believe it was a trivial issue which was not worth investing so much energy. I try to perceive logic, sense and rationality. So, I behave like a sensible human. My management or people skills may not be very good. But I think I can survive without them. Now comes the question of self-deception. Hmm... Too personal to write about. I will end it here.

One day the sky will be lit
not by the sun or moon
but by the fire in me.