Pasaara

After experiencing the life of living with less (a lot less), I am back on messy track of things. There are too many of them around me! I have always been troubled by this and now it's getting into my head so deep that every passing day is getting tougher than the previous one. My mental state is too dependent on these things to be taken lightly (as everybody back there always said!).

There was a sense of freedom and feather-lightness to that state where I restricted myself only to the daily essentials. There was a clear line between needs and wants. I cannot forget the nakedness of elements in my room - neatly made bed, plain white walls, clear table, comfortable chair and a small closet embedded in wall. That room was a perfect place every activity (dancing, acting/overacting, poetry reading, watching surreal movies, chatting with friends, cooking rarely, group-studying.....). The emptiness of my room, rather the space, gave me this weird pleasure I cannot explain. The symmetry, the placement of and steadiness in the ever-changing arrangement of the elements, was more than I could have asked for. Every little object had it's place. None was ever ignored. Every little thing was fully functional and was utilized on a daily basis. There were no extras. No accessories. No useless items. No mess. No chaos. There was perfect orderliness which I loved dearly.

Money was never a constraint. I could buy/spend more than what I used to. But I never did. One motivation behind was environmental clean-up cause ignored at our place at least. This thought reflected at my choices pointing towards - organic and recyclable items. Endless stretches of landfills composing of non-degradable garbage overwhelmed me. I vehemently denied unnecessary luxuries available. Life looked very simple. The yes-es and the no-s were easily recognized. How peaceful it was!

Now it's all topsy-turvy. I am on a crazy ride of yes-es. Seems like I have pushed forward the line between needs and wants. The balance is disturbed. I am disturbed. These spirits live everywhere in my room now. They are in the art & craft bag, growing inside the jar of sliced green olives, dormant in Waterman Havana Brown ink, lying in laundry bag and pouches holding unnecessary freebies, crawling on my bed at nights when I'm asleep and playing with dust on the shoe rack. The moment I enter my room they laugh, scream, howl and move around me like crazy spectres. The moment I switch on lights they scare me with their ghastly appearances. Every single object becomes so heavy that I do not dare lift it. And then they laugh at my inability. When I switch off the lights they lift the bed from bottom side which puts a huge pressure on my head. I spent sleepless nights and wake up in the morning with bad headaches.

Life has become difficult with so many happenings around me.